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This is a two parter - Return and Scorched Earth The first depicts the terrible calm of a relapse into depression The second is how it feels to weaponize anger to claw oneself out of depression

If I’m being honest, I think the second part is the better of the two lol

## Return ---

Welcome Home

No one warns you

How warmly she welcomes you

How comforting and sober she sounds

They dont tell you

How confidently she lays claim

To the voice of Reason

How gently she wields it

to suggest

Maybe Hope

was never part

of the Real You

She crafts apathy

from the wonders of the world

weaves calm

Out of the viscous black

How terrifyingly peaceful it is

that Depression

feels like coming home

How every time

you wonder

if you’ll ever leave again

Cry Wolf

You never really overcome anxiety

you just learn to doubt yourself

in the most productive way possible

the deep breathing never stills your heart

the counting never focuses your mind

death

never stops its teasing

You simply learn

that your body

is not to be trusted

when it cries wolf

and you pretend that calm

is a matter of the mind

alone

Still

I’ve always wondered

what I’d do

if the wolf finally came

for that poor

scared

boy

Screaming

Inside me

Every memory

Every emotion

I’ve ever had

is Screaming

all at once

                        Make It Stop

It’s so loud

                        make it stop

There’s no room

in here

For me

Anymore

                        Make it stop

it Burns

make it stop

make it stop

 make it stop

Enough

I need to rest

             you haven’t done enough

That’s all I have

             it’s not enough

There’s always tomorrow

             you’re not enough

I’m trying

              Not. Enough.

I’m sorry

Never Enough

never Enough

never enough

Drive

Make no Mistake

This isn’t Drive

This is Penitence

Strong

Am I supposed to be grateful

To have endured worse

To know I can?

Just because I can survive this

Doesn’t mean I want to.

I’ve been fighting

I’ve been strong

for so long

and I’m tired

What makes rest

so different

from surrender?

Scorched Earth

---

Longer

Hold on

Just a little longer

There’s light at the end of this tunnel

I know

Because I put it there

The last time I pushed through

Demon

I’ve personified you

given you form and face

for my sake

as ether

as void

there is only

how you hurt me

as creature

as demon

you can bleed

I can put you to the flames

Reason

While you were away

I hardened my body

with Iron

Nurtured my soul

with Hope

Filled my heart

with Love

I gave my life

Purpose

so that when you came back

to take it

I’d have the weapons to fight

and reason to do so

Parasite

You’re not a part of me

you’re a parasite

and I am not afraid

to burn all of me

to the ground

to starve you

to smoke you out

of every corner

and crevice

of my mind

It was you

who numbed me to the pain

so

if it’s us together

on the pyre

I will outlive you

I will rise from the ashes

Wholly anew

Entirely

Without you

Example

You’ll make such a beautiful

Wretched

Example

So the next time

The demons of my mind

Grow bold and stupid

You can tell them

How strong I’ve become

How viciously

I will fight

For my life

Sadist

I watched

how you revelled

in my suffering

the despair of a tired, lonely boy

and I learned

your sadism

I’ve wasted not an ounce

of hatred

not a drop

of cruelty

I stowed it all away

within myself

for you

for your return

Now the bell sounds

for this

our 18th round

Hobble back into the ring

to face what you’ve created

nobody is coming to save you

and I’ve grown your taste

for blood

Rite

When the flames

are laid to rest

When this earth is scorched

And cleansed of you

Will I have sacrificed

Too much

at the altar

of Survival?

Will I recognize myself

On the other end

Of this pyrrhic rite?

Will I want to?

Pity

How does it feel

to fight a battle

in a war

you’ll never win?

To know your greatest days are behind you?

To have lost to a child at your best

and be faced with a man at your worst?

I pity you

once my greatest terror

now you languish in my shadow

Even your darkness

falls short of mine

So

prepare your tired arms

and spit your petty venom

just make it quick

you’ve nothing new for me

and I’ve got work to do.

Mine

It was a grave mistake

to trespass here

all those years ago

You miserable weary thing

you were never meant

to hold these reins

to steer my life

to carve my path

This has always been

My Mind

and it answers

Only

To Me